My Health

This post is very personal.

Self Body Image and Physical Health
I can't preach about positive body image and loving yourself, that would be hypocritical. While my body image is no where near the worst, it could use some work. I'm always so hard on myself and always striving for perfection even when I don't show it. I may act completely fine with mediocre but inside I hate the idea of average. I want don't want to be the best but just better. I hate myself for thinking that sometimes. My measurements are currently 33-28-37 and I hate it. My waist size disgusts me. I am perfectly healthy but to me that's not enough. I'm trying extremely hard to lose weight. I cut my calories to 1300 and I drink coffee to suppress my appetite. I'm constantly cleaning just to be on my feet. I feel that if I were healthier I would be prettier and then I would be good enough. I never feel good enough. Even when I get better at something I don't feel good enough.

Other Mental Health
My memory is shit. I could watch the same movie 100 times and still only know half the lines from a single scene. My memory has held me back in life in so many ways, I try so hard but not hard enough. I'm working on it. Asking questions scares me. If the questions are curiosity-driven then I'm fine but if I have a question because I don't understand then I refuse to ask it. I associate not knowing with vulnerability and I don't want anyone to feel like they have an edge over me. I guess I'm just super fucked up in the brain. I promise this won't all be diary-like and that some entries will actually interest you. I am working on it. Next post will be a generic Q&A. Be back soon.